Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Boundaries

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about boundaries. About what they mean for myself, my kids, and what they should have meant in my marriage. Lets look fist at marriage. In our marriage, I wanted some boundary lines in place. I wanted my husband to put lines up when it came to customers and others. He refused. In a sense it felt like he was saying we where not important enough to protect. He did come to me later and say he realized that I wanted to protect my family not control him. I had told him before I was uncomfortable with his one on one "lunch/dinner meetings" with female clients.  I was uncomfortable with their late night calls and thought the constant texting was unprofessional. Mentioning that these bothered me would only cause strife and contention in our marriage. I began to let it go. Guess that was a mistake. As I think on marriage I believe both parties should set boundaries not necessarily on each other but for themselves. Boundaries to protect their marriage relationship and their family. To set this as an example for the children as well.
         Of course we parents set boundaries for our kids but as my boys get older I want to teach them to set and follow their own boundaries. I hope by allowing them to see this example set by myself will help them. My oldest child has boundaries set for dating. I do this to protect him. To protect his future wife and children. My younger children see how he is handling himself in this area and is a great example for the others to follow.
        For me, boundaries are more about protecting my kids. At this point they have a single mother and I take my role very seriously. My kids have been hurt enough. They still struggle with visitation with their dad, they struggle with anger and many other emotions. My choices at this point can not be about me. I can either help them through this or hinder their recovery even more. The "rules" I have set for myself include
I will not date until it is clear my boys are ready for it- we have talked about it, I told them I would definitely not date until my divorce was legally final. For my accountability to God and to the boys.  At this point the boys will say  Mom you can date but I know they are not in a good place for me to. I see other things they are exposed to right now and want to make sure to set a clear and clean example. At the point I began to date there will be many boundaries set to protect myself and my kids . For starters I will not expose them to different guys. I'm not sure how this will all play out. Maybe I should just stay single tell they all graduate and move out. Never thought I would be content to stay single but God is showing me its ok, for the well being of my kids, for growth in my relationship with God and my boys, for growth as a person, I can be single and content.
What boundaries to his need to include in your life?