Finals for us all

This past week was final week. All 6 of us got our classes wrapped up and done with. Dalton had a pretty easy final week with very short days. Emery had a few test but not a lot. Bronson (home schooled) took a test that he had taken back in July and he has improved more then a grade in math. This makes me happy as this is one of the areas he is behind in. Carter and Atley's final week was full of concerts and a meeting. My finals included one test and one paper. I was pretty nervous of my final grade and even had a dream that I received a F on my final paper. I was very happy to find that was not the case. I finished the quarter and even made the Deans list. Not to brag but I am very happy about this and want others to know if I can do this, so can you. Next quarter will be a much fuller schedule as I will be going with 13.5 credits. This quarter I only took 9 and my fist quarter was only 4.5 credits. Nervous that it may be to much but excited to keep going with my education. The picture above is the boys on the evening I needed to finish writing my paper. I told the boys it was gaming night so mom could study. Funny there was no complaints. They have been so great in helping when I need the study time and encourage me with my grades. I love setting an example that you can accomplish things even when you doubted yourself. I have to admit I am very ready for this break for all of us. No school, no homework, no spelling, no awanas, no early morning school drop offs. Just time to be a family. I have some fun things planned starting tonight with a drive to look at Christmas lights. I have cookies and hot chocolate with marshmallows ready for a relaxing drive through the town. Looking forward to some time with my 5 guys.

Almost grown

 This year Dalton is a senior. He is 17 years old and a blessing since day one. I think back to those first years we had together. They where so much fun. Dalton was my little side kick. We had almost 3 years before Emery was born so we had lots of time just us. We did everything together. Dalton had some speech trouble so I was his voice. People would always ask me "what did he say". Mommy could always understand though. When I watch videos now of those days I can not understand a word he says. We took bike rides, swam, played games, did puzzles, colored. Dalton was the easiest toddler. He only threw one temper tantrum. We went to a store and I remember watching him as he looked at a child that was on the floor screaming. I could see the wheels turning in his head. Later that night at home, Dalton gave the fit a try. He ended up in trouble and decided it was just not worth it. I figured wow I got this parenting thing down. Well then came the 4 other kids who taught me that most toddlers try the fit thing more then once. They just didn't catch on to that as fast.

As a school age child, he loved to learn. I home schooled him  and had so much fun watching as he  learned. Reading was the love of his life. I couldn't keep enough books in the house. Junior high was spent in public schools, Dalton was an example and picked as the studio of character and featured on the radio. He was loved by all teachers.

 Dalton started High School and seemed overnight to be grown up. He joined cross country and seemed to become organized and dependent. He became more involved at church by choice not just by directed.

Now his high school days are almost over. I can't stand to think very  soon he will be moving on and out of our home. I still feel that he is my side kick. My go to guy. The one who is always there for me when I need a hand. The last year he has had to step up around here. I try to not put to much on him since his dad left, wanting him to still be the child here and not an adult. Some of this is unavoidable though. 

He has been accepted to college and is still figuring out his plans for after high school. He works at the local grocery store, helps at awanas, attends a weekly bible study, and is doing great in school. He is an example to his brothers how to handle himself. He is wise beyond his years. It was decided years ago that the boys would not be dating while young. My rule is not tell 18 but at 16 they can petition this if they want to. Meaning, if there is a girl, they can come discuss the situation with me. At that point it is still my decision but we can discuss it. Dalton has handled this so gracefully, at one point after some girl drama, admitted that I was right in making him wait, (yes I asked for that in writing). We made up a contract about dating years ago. I love the example he sets in this for his brothers. 

 Dalton goes all in when he gets into something. First it was barney, he had barney bedding, shirts, toys, fishing pole, lawn chair, sunglasses, books and more all barney. Then it was telletubbies, then onto blues clues, then to star wars and now of course superman. I think there was some extras in here but these are the biggies.

I  Love Dalton and am so very proud of this young man. I hope him and I always stay close, that he always talks to me and that he keeps his eyes on the Lord, I hope the things that he has seen in his home with his parents, will not be modeled in his household. I hope he realizes how wrong divorce is and picks a wife very carefully and for life. I hope he learns to forgive his dad. I hope he always knows how much he is loved. I hope the woman he marries realizes how great he is. I hope he gives me a granddaughter. I hope he finds joy in little things and knows how to be content. I hope he realizes the mistakes his parents made do not define him in anyway, that it is not his destiny to repeat our mistakes. 

 I hope he realizes in my eyes HE IS SUPERMAN!!!!!!

Still moving forward

Wow its been a long time. We are still here and moving a long strong. I have had some people ask me to please update my blog so here we go. The boys and I are doing great. Life is so busy, my days are filled with church, my school, homeschool, running kids to school, doing daycare, kids to soccer games, bible study, kids to band practices, and the usual homework, dinner, cleaning. I will admit the month of November had me exhausted. My calendar had appointments not only daily but multiple times a day. One week I think the most we where home was 2 hours other then at bed time. I really do not like to keep a full calendar like that. Thankfully the week of Thanksgiving gave me a break from school for the boys and I and gave me a time to refresh. December looks much better and so far is much more manageable. I am loving college. Right now my classes are all online only needing to go to SCC sometimes. I love the freedom this gives me of being able to do school when it works for us. I have two assignments left to finish this quarter and then I am done until January 8. Bronson is doing great with homeschool and I love having a side kick with me all day.

As 2013 gets close to ending, it has been an amazing year for us. I think one of my best yet. I think it has more to do with my attitude and changes in myself then anything. If you looked at it from the outside, we have a smaller house, less money, crazy business, and just well parenting 5 boys alone but there is calmness in our life now. Happy, peaceful, contentment, thankful, these are words I would now describe us. I think I had come to such a dark place with anger and bitterness, learning to appreciate little things really helped me come out of that. I have learned to let little things make me so happy such as the other day going and purchasing our first snow shovel. Such a small, dorky thing but it made me smile. I even enjoyed going out at 5:30 am to use it. The boys didn't find as much happiness in this as I did. go figure. Speaking of the boys, they are healing as well. Atley came home from school yesterday and said "I am so excited!" I asked him why and he said "I don't know"! I know just how he feels, we can look forward and be excited, for nothing, for everything, for life.  I know there will be hard times, we all still cry sometimes, I get overwhelmed sometimes, I still get angry about things sometimes but nothing like it used to be. I can honestly say we are right where God wants us. Again I keep being asked if I am ready to start dating again and the answer is NO WAY!!!! why mess with the happiness here now. The kids don't need that right now. I am loving making new friendship, growing as a person and allowing my kids to have me to themselves. I feel that it would be unhealthy to expose them to me dating and honestly I don't have time. Maybe someday but that's a big MAYBE. wow never thought I would be content alone. ok well there is the update hope to add more soon.

Boundaries

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about boundaries. About what they mean for myself, my kids, and what they should have meant in my marriage. Lets look fist at marriage. In our marriage, I wanted some boundary lines in place. I wanted my husband to put lines up when it came to customers and others. He refused. In a sense it felt like he was saying we where not important enough to protect. He did come to me later and say he realized that I wanted to protect my family not control him. I had told him before I was uncomfortable with his one on one "lunch/dinner meetings" with female clients.  I was uncomfortable with their late night calls and thought the constant texting was unprofessional. Mentioning that these bothered me would only cause strife and contention in our marriage. I began to let it go. Guess that was a mistake. As I think on marriage I believe both parties should set boundaries not necessarily on each other but for themselves. Boundaries to protect their marriage relationship and their family. To set this as an example for the children as well.
         Of course we parents set boundaries for our kids but as my boys get older I want to teach them to set and follow their own boundaries. I hope by allowing them to see this example set by myself will help them. My oldest child has boundaries set for dating. I do this to protect him. To protect his future wife and children. My younger children see how he is handling himself in this area and is a great example for the others to follow.
        For me, boundaries are more about protecting my kids. At this point they have a single mother and I take my role very seriously. My kids have been hurt enough. They still struggle with visitation with their dad, they struggle with anger and many other emotions. My choices at this point can not be about me. I can either help them through this or hinder their recovery even more. The "rules" I have set for myself include
I will not date until it is clear my boys are ready for it- we have talked about it, I told them I would definitely not date until my divorce was legally final. For my accountability to God and to the boys.  At this point the boys will say  Mom you can date but I know they are not in a good place for me to. I see other things they are exposed to right now and want to make sure to set a clear and clean example. At the point I began to date there will be many boundaries set to protect myself and my kids . For starters I will not expose them to different guys. I'm not sure how this will all play out. Maybe I should just stay single tell they all graduate and move out. Never thought I would be content to stay single but God is showing me its ok, for the well being of my kids, for growth in my relationship with God and my boys, for growth as a person, I can be single and content.
What boundaries to his need to include in your life?

In memory of 2 great ladies

 In 2007, both of my Grandmothers passed away. It was within 1 week of each other. This was a very hard week for us and on top of that we moved that week. My grandma Truksa was one of the strongest women I know. She had been through so much. She had many cancers and operations. We where often told that grandma would not make it much longer. They didn't know grandma- and she would make it about 7-8 years after they said that. One time we headed to Colorado for her, she was hospitalized and not doing well, we had a camper full. At that point, we only had Dalton and Emery, by the time we got there she said "take me to Nebraska" so sure enough got out of the hospital to head to Nebraska. She loved her kids, grandkids, great grandkids and great-great grandkids. No matter how bad she would feel she wanted to spend time with the kids. Brosnon and her had a very special bond. He would carry her purse and help her on the stairs. I really regret not having a picture of this. We got the chance to say good-bye to her just hours before she went home to be with the Lord. I am so thankful that she was able to meet and love on each one of my children. Sometimes when I feel like I can not do something, I remember there is a piece of grandma in me.

 A couple days after Grandma Truksa died, we went to see grandma Brown. She was at home and not feeling real well. Grandma was the most gentle, kind soul that I know. She was an example of how to be a great and loving wife and mother. I love hearing how she would pray for her family as she ironed their shirts. When we went to visit her, she had each of the boys pick out a stuffed animal out of her basket. She sat each one of them on her lap and loved on them. (yes they where a bit smaller then). This day will always be a treasure to me. A few days later we said goodbye to her in a hospital room only hours before she went home to the Lord.

 This memorial day we went to both graves, we cleaned them up, put flowers and did our tradition of angel dust. This was something my mom did at the funerals. The kids sprinkled glitter on the graves. We still do this. I wondered if the kids would still want to this year, being older and so much cooler you know. I think the simple act was still a joy for them and a way to remember. The glitter was so pretty sparkling on the grass and the stone. Carter worked very hard cleaning up, with my mom, around the stones. Clearing and cutting the grass back.

 They made sure to make the letters sparkle as well.
My grandmas where both such amazing people. Some days I just wish I could ask them for a little bit of wisdom. They both handled life with such grace and love. I am so thankful for the time the boys and I did get to spend with them. I miss the birthday cards that came every year with grandma Browns perfect hand writing. Yes it was perfect. She always made sure to include a bible verse.

It was a great day spent with the boys and thinking on how quickly life goes. I want to make sure my boys know how much I love them, I never doubted my grandparents love for me, I hope the boys will be able to say the same about their mother.

School is out PARTY!

 The Dowding yearly schools out party! Some of the traditions we have had as a family had to change due to circumstances. I am doing my best to keep as many of them as possible. The schools out party is one of our favorites. Although we had to make a few changes this year, we still made sure to party like crazy:) In the past we have done invitations, inviting friends from the boys classmates. This year we kept it small, inviting a few close friends and neighbors. Every year we do some sort of water activity; water slides, water balloons, sprinklers or etc. Since the weather was cool, it was ok that we where not doing those this year.

Our parties always include some food. This year Emery grilled us hot dogs. I made this yummy fritos and corn salad. I added green onions as well. Similar recipe here:   http://www.food.com/recipe/frito-corn-salad-88251?layout=desktop  

We also had macaroni salad, Kool-Aid, bomb pops, chips, cottage cheese, baked beans. We cooked outside and enjoyed eating outside.

I went to the dollar store earlier and got stuff for fun! I got side walk chalk, bubbles; and stuff for our 3 fun, messy events. We did baking soda and vinegar; mentos and diet coke; and of course our yearly shaving cream fight. Our driveway and yard where a mess but everyone had a blast. The only mess left at the end was a yard full of shaving cream, thankfully  the rain  washed it all away for us.

 I was a little afraid that we might cause a car accident with all the people driving by  and looking at the yard full of kids making a mess. All together we had 9 boys and 1 girl here:) The night ended with the kids all showered and cleaned up and watching a movie while the moms enjoyed some time out on the porch visiting and encouraging one another.

 I love summer and having my kids to myself. Well other then when they head off for the many camps they attend. No homework, is a plus as well. Although I still have that homeschool mother in me, the kids do a math worksheet, some reading, and writing almost daily in the summer. We headed the day after school got out and signed up for the summer reading program. I try to keep our summers fun and busy. We look forward to time at the pool, library, parks, friends, and anything else we can come up with to do. Knowing this is Daltons last summer before graduation makes me want to make it extra special for him and the fact that last year I had my broken leg and our "getting out and going" was a bit limited.

 Jody (and many others) have nick named Dalton, Superman. Im not sure if it because he always wears superman shirts or because he talks about him often. Jody found Dalton a superman shirt. Dalton decided it would be fun to get Jody a superman (woman) shirt. It is still difficult to get these two to take a "Nice" picture. Although, it is a lot of fun trying. Dalton asked if we could have the high school group from church over some Sunday evening. Since I had Saturday off this week and the boys where at camp, I decided this would be a good weekend. I was a little nervous that my house and yard would be to small and unsure what the group would do to entertain themselves. Well have no fear. A busy street and a group of kids.....plenty to do. Groups of kids stood or sat by the street and had many cars honking at them. It was pretty funny. We also had a game of "ninja" going on in the driveway. The group brought their own dinners but I provided dessert. It was a fun evening and I am very impressed with this group of kids. I will make sure to host this group again sometime.

 Brownell, along with some other schools, had a family zoo night. We decided to make it a family fun night. We had a picnic to start off the evening. I was looking forward to not cooking, so we grabbed subway. Not to mention a few of the boys had gotten subway gift cards for Easter and they where excited to use them. We then headed off for the zoo. I thought maybe the boys would feel a little old for the zoo, but surprisingly they all had a great time.

 Feeding the goats was great entertainment. I think we could have stayed there for an hour. Oh wait maybe we did. It did make the little boys sad that the big goats kept hogging all the food. So they stepped up to feed the little ones.

 I love this picture. They where all together and all talking. May there be many more moments like this for the rest of their lives.

 Carter was most captivated by the insects. We are going to have to go back during a less busy time; allowing Carter time to just sit and check out the bugs. I plan to go grab him some library books on bugs when we sign up for the summer reading program on Friday. This is one of my favorite summer activites and we have taken part in it since Dalton was about 2.

We then headed to the park. It has been a long time since we have been to this park. Not sure who the other kid is in this picture, but he was instant friends with the boys. We then met up with some friends at the ice cream place by pioneers park. What an amazing evening. I sure had a happy and thankful heart.

Broken for a reason

A year ago today, I fell and broke my leg. You might be thingking, why write about this when it happened a year ago? Well, I feel like it was a big changing point in my life. So on May 18, 2012, John called and asked if I would like to take the boys to Kansas City with him for the weekend. Deciding to think about it for a while, I told him I would call him back. Sad to say, but I don't really remember praying about the decision. At first I decided no way. We had been seperated for a month. We had rarely talked or had any interactions with each other. Then I began to think: what if I am unable to take the boys to one of their favorite spots for a long time? What if I wont ever be able to afford this again? At this point I did not know of Johns affair and I really was wanting to repair our marriage. I wanted our family together. So i also thought maybe this weekend could be a start in putting the pieces back together. Deciding to go, I packed us a picnic dinner and  packed the kids clothes. We decided to make it a secret and not tell the boys. John decided to leave his phone at home and use this time to focus on our family. (Should have sent warning flags since he is attached to that phone).

 We set off, many of my friends and family had a bad feeling about this but had decided to keep their opinions to a minimum. We found a nice place in Nebraska City for a picnic. After eating, I decided to take the kids over to this Lewis and Clark area. ( I can not really tell you what it was since I never made it over there). We took off walking and I fell down into a ditch. I looked down at my foot that was no longer facing forward and I knew this was not good. I screamed for John, who came running over. He quickly asked for my phone. It was in my pocket and I was unable to move. Bronson thinking quickly, pulled out his phone and dialed 911. Man it seemed to take forever. At one point I began to think I might pass out and it made me nervous, then I thought well if I would pass out this would not hurt so bad. I never passed out and the ambulance and a bunch of volenteer fire fighters showed up. They where giving me shots before even attempting to move me. They took me to the hospital where they gave me something that totally put me out. While out they put my leg back in socket and stabalized it. They decided I would need to go to Lincoln for surgery. The ambulance would take me. All I really remember is waking up and asking for more of the medicine they gave me. John states that they did and that I stopped breathing and turned blue. They gave me oxygen and refused me that med next time I asked for it. (Those of you that know me know I hate meds and rarely ask for any)

 We made it to Lincoln sometime in the middle of the night. I was scheduled for surgery first thing the next morning. I was pretty nervous because this was a first for me. Knowing I was going to be down for 12 weeks and that it was 1 week from the kids summer break, made me pretty bummed. God showed me some amazing things that summer. He showed me just how much people cared for my family. Providing meals, movies, snacks , cards, prayers, visits, and phone calls. I was amazed. John and I where spending time together through this. He would give me rides to the kids events and help out with the kids more.

 My grandpa loaned me a moterized wheel chair, it worked great for taking the kids on the bike trail, we went to movies, libraries, stores,swimming pools, friends houses,  even out to eat. God was so great in providing this, it was a joy to still spend time out and about with the boys.

 I kept wondering why did this happen. Some had stated- to keep me away from John. I was leaning more to let me see he still cared- since he never left the hospital the entire time I was there. God knew that I was not really ready for the truth. I didn't know that during this time, John was still with the other woman. Here I thought we where working on putting our family back together, but was being decieved the entire time. I really feel God knew, that at the time, I was not ready to know the truth. He allowed the pain of this broken leg, knowing it would hurt worse then the pain that could have happened , had we made it to Kansas City and began repairing a marriage built on a lie.

 The boys and I stayed at my parents house this summer, until I was able to care for the boys and myself at home.

This is my foot today, These scars will always be a reminder to me that God has the boys and I right where He wants us. That my plans are not always His plans but, that He knows better. That God protects me and will use whatever means He knows is best. I will be thankful for that time in my life and for God only allowing me to see what He knew I could handle, because, as I look back i think...... WHAT WAS I THINKING? :)