Forgiveness!!!!!!!!

Forgiveness: I do believe this may be my newest, maybe even hardest battle, I have faced through this entire seperation and divorce. Just when I think I have forgiven and am doing well at keeping bitterness at bay. A new fact is made known to me that throws me for a loop. Even so mush as to say it sets me back. The first post have been all fun events but this blog is set up to encourage others that may be facing the same things as we are or may know someone that will or is facing somethng similar. I want people to see the joys that come as you lean on Christ for getting through divorce but also see the raw pain that comes along with it. The hurt and struggles and many, many emtions you face as you began to move forward.

Ok so back to forgiveness. I must admit the boys and I where just now exposed (from a distance) to John and her. yes her as in the other woman. We where under the impression that she was gone and that he was very sorry for that decision but we very quickly became aware that this is not the case. I dont say the truth about what caused our seperation (well obviously it is never just one thing) but is a major factor, to make john look bad or the other woman (which I would love to make look bad but more on that in a minute), but in order to show the struggle Im facing in my heart and actions. To let other woman facing the same thing know that they are not alone. So yes there is another woman. When I first found out about it, it was sugar coated with lies, I really knew in my heart they where lies but decided to give them both the benefit of the doubt and trust them. The night I found out the truth felt like I had been stabbed with a knife. I seriously felt the pain in my body. I was trying to work, John was trying to apologize. At that moment I couldnt handle hearing he was sorry or anything else and began to focus on work. Little things began to become clear, I began to fit pieces of the puzzle together. At that point he led the kids and I to believe it was a thing of the past. I had decided that I was willing to forgive John for many things from our past. I wasnt sure what Johns reasoning was in telling us all he was sorry. I wasnt sure how deep into his heart that sorry was. I began to realize it was not a true repented heart but a more Im lonely type sorry.

So that brings us up to this previous weekend where we see the two of them together. He tried to hide his face from us. This broguht up such a surge of anger. Not for me and what he did to OUR marriage but for my kids, that just witnessed there father trying to hide his face from his kids. Ok here is the part that I could go on and on about the effects on my kids. I could call him and her every name in the book. But this is also the part where I will be hontest about the anger in my heart, the bitterness starting to take root. The kids and I have not seen this woman up close and could not point her out in a crowd yet I could tell you things about her that could make anyone start hating her. I would love to. I dont want her to be a well liked person.

which leads us up to yesterday. I have been praying and reading my bible and begging God to help me forgive them. At this time I was listening to casting crowns. I believe the song is called Come To The Well. In it the words say "leave it all behind and come to the well". I set there just pondering what I was feeling and the thoughts that im soooo not proud of thinking the last few days. When some words that a dear friend had mentioned to me came to mind. Jesus died for her just as much as He did for me. I began to really dwell on this. what does it mean. Christ died on the cross for me, for my sins. What are they? oh to many to ever list, but they go on and on. Is her sin any worse in Gods eyes then mine? are johns? nope not at all. Christ died for her sins and for mine. Its only by Gods grace I have not made the same decision in my life. No one is above it. Therefore I have decided to set the anger aside. To forgive John and her. To even go so far as to pray for their salvation. I wont run my mouth saying bad things about her and john. I wont wish them ill. I wont hate her. Its easy to look on the outside that you have forgiven someone. That it does not bother you. I mean really I never see her, I dont talk to her so it would be easy to pretend its all good. But I want the forgiveness to be deeper-in my soul. Because she deserves it? No - no one would argue that either one of them doesnt deserve my forgiveness but then again do I  deserve Gods forgiveness?

I know that this stuggle will continue, I know I will have set backs. The thoughts still pop into my head. Really so quickly. But I will not let my mind dwell on them. I will not think evil. Proverbs 6:16-19 God hates a heart that thinks up wicked imaginations.

There will be so many thimes in life that my boys will need to forgive others. I want to be an example of how we can offer forgiveness to others.
So in the words of casting crowns Im going to leave it all behind.
I do ask for prayer for the boys and I as like I said this will be a constant battle. But I believe making the decision to forgive is half the battle already.

Also I realize that this was not an action against my children and I. It was a sin towrds God. Not something that was done to me, to my boys but to my God. who am I to be angry and want revenge. Its all in Gods hands.
leaving it all behind.